I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
