just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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