I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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