I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
