My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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