No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize