So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
