so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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