So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
