i think my tv is drunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
