whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
