Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
