did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I smell like Dick and happiness
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