you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
