The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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