I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
