she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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