Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
