Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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