Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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