I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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