ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
