I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize