Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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