i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
