Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
