Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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