mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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