In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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