How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
