i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
