Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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