Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
