Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
