I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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