We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
