Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
