I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
