I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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