I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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