this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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