I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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