Cold hands, warm shart.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
