You smell like stripper and shame
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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