Apparently you make a good broom.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You brought string cheese to the strip club
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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