Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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