i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
