dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
