I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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