i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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