So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
