I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
