I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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