checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
