i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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