oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize