i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
