onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
