DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
