Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
