Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Vodka?
Forever.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
