i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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