Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
