I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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