The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
