I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
